Lay down, they said. It will be okay

I haven't been feeling too well for this past few days or week. Mentally, it's just exhausting to think of what am I supposed to do in my life or even just living my life. As days goes by, my physical health took a toll because of it. But, I have to smile through the pain. I don't want people to know how am I feeling today. The thought of killing myself bears a huge weight in my mind. 

To do it? Should I do it? Could I do it? And why? 

As am typing this, my mind is very cloudy at the moment. Here I am, trying to balance watching Trial by Media on netflix and typing my thoughts about my feelings. I wish there was an equation in my life. I wish I knew how to cure my pain right now. Happiness? What is it? Can I taste it? I look at my family and wonder what will happen to them if I die. I always want to die before my parents. I dont want to bear the pain of my parent's passing. I want to welcome them in heaven if god lets me. Not the other way. Isn't suicide a crime in my religion? What will happen to me if I went to that route? 

I just want to be happy again. 

Why is that so hard?