My personal health

So, I have been thinking what to write and I thought of like why not just share some parts of my life? Or if I want to go on more in dept, about my mental health. And just so you know, as I am writing this, Marianas Trench 'While We're Young' is playing on my spotify so this kinda gave the inspiration to write about it. Living our young life? I will try to do. They have been a great influence that really gave me the strength to be strong in my life.

-This is quite a sensitive subject to be writing about so if you're triggered by it, please don't continue-

I've been dealing with my mental health for quite a long time. Honestly, its just tiring. There are times I can be in a spot where my anxiety, out of the blue, can go out like a wild fire (burning in rage) or there will be times I just feel fucking depressed and I don't have the will to do anything else or there are days I will just be numb with my feelings. Everything seems like a chore to me. Living seems like the heaviest thing I have do to. Surviving. Things like this are just indescribable to me.

I can remember the time when I felt like I was in the deep side of hell. Putting on a fake facade making everything feel like so rosy and happy when I was suffering in the inside.  Inflicting pain on myself, I thought it was my only way to let go of my suffering. No one can understand my pain. What are the other way can I convey my feelings on to? When you see the scars, the pain and the blood then you will feel satisfied with yourself. I do. Even till this day, whenever I look at my wrist, I felt like it wasn't enough? The cuts wasn't deep enough to let go of my unkept emotions and I just wanted to cut it deeper. But I have to abstain myself from doing it. Controlling myself into not getting into that pitiful state again.

My emotions can go up and down like a rollar-coaster. I can be happy one moment then drive back to sadness and just avoid everyone, feeling like everyone is against me or just feel anger boiling in me. Emotions aside, anxiety sucks too. Panic attacks sucks too. But no ones seems to understand me or my problems. They think its so easy to ignore and always things like 'oh you're just making up!' or 'come on, it's nothing'. Sometimes I feel like my family members think 'I'm just putting on a play for attention of something' when I'm suffering inside and it hurts. I'm human and I have feelings too. I didn't asked for it to come. I have no control. 

This days has been really sucky, really. I'm so emotionless and I really am just tired everyday. Feels like a deja vu. I cried in my room every time, shunned away every human contact I have and just want to be alone. Thankfully, I'm glad I have Usagi as my listening partner whom I can count on.

Feels like I'm having a LDR friendshipwie hahaha. Sometimes it sucks because she lives so far away from me, 4 hours apart T__T so waiting for her to be online can be such a pain but I know in the end, it's worth waiting for? She really did help me to pick up myself before when I had that /period of time/ or times I really feel really down of myself.. You know when they say you need someone to listen to your problems, I feel like whenever I have one, she's the first one I will go. Then again, not like I have anyone else right?

It's funny because whenever I talked to her at first, I was scared but I got closer to her each other and gain a few confidence on myself thanks to her :D I know, in everyone's eyes... she's just a stranger at the other side of the country but from my eyes, I see her as my guardian angel, a little sister whom I really do loved and I'm really lucky I got to know her. She's just a blessing! There's so many times I really wish her all the luck and blessing in her life. She deserves it so much! I could gush on how much I adore her but that could just take the whole post. In short, she's just incredible.

Another great supporter or helper in my life is this Canadian band called Marianas Trench. They're just an amazing band and I can really relate in their songs (and yes am writing this post, their album 'Astoria' is playing as the background song hahaha) Their lyrics is really intriguing, powerful and relatable. It really help me through the deepest times and I'm glad I found them and I grew up listening with them and found my identity. Fix me is an powerful album. Really hope I can meet them (somehow) x

I wish I could be a survivor (sometimes)
A fighter.